Stop, Write, Hear

For the last few weeks (including last term) we have been doing stop write hear we have to make a mini movie about the movie that I chose to do here it is.

Draft:

Jessica and Kahciar and Makenzie are on the playground they just wanted to play on the playground and play on the bars and just talk a lot it was the afternoon so it was warm with a tiny bit of wind.

Makenzie showed up and she joined but them me and Sapphire showed up and we started to bully Makenzie and we push her of the stair then Kahciar and Jessica started to stick up for her and saying that Lily and sapphire should not do that and to stop being mean to other people and then they walked away and thought about it and the Lily and Sapphire went over.

They apologized and then they played together and then they became friends.

Feedback:

You should add some more writing, more paragraphs. (Helpful)

I like the detail on the weather, “it was warm with a tiny bit of wind”. (Thoughtful)

I like how at the end they apologised and then spent the rest of their day, playing on the playground. (Positive)

Final:

Jessica and Kahciar and Makenzie are on the playground they just wanted to play on the playground and play on the bars and just talk a lot it was the afternoon so it was warm with a tiny bit of wind.

Makenzie showed up and she joined but them me and Sapphire showed up and we started to bully Makenzie and we push her of the stair then Kahciar and Jessica started to stick up for her and saying that Lily and sapphire should not do that and to stop being mean to other people and why are you being mean they answered I don’t know why.

then they walked away on the otherside of the playground and thought about it and the Lily and Sapphire went over.

They apologied and then they played together and then they became friends.